How Do I Talk to My Aging Parents About Care?

Payton Ryan
3 days ago
4 min read

Maybe you see your parents often and have started to notice age-related quirks you can no longer ignore. Or maybe you just saw them for the first time in a while and felt a distinct shift. Something caused you to land on this article.

No matter how you got here, one thing is true for everyone: starting a conversation about care with an aging parent is not easy. It’s an emotional conversation. It feels personal. And it may cause a turning point in your relationship.

While the weight of those pressures may cause you to feel overwhelmed or unsure of where to start to avoid hurting their feelings, these emotions are completely normal, and you are not alone. With just a bit of forethought and compassion (which you have, because you’re here!), you can host this conversation in a way that feels productive, unobtrusive, and leads to a safer and better-supported lifestyle for your parents.

Let’s dive in.

Start with Empathy

As you probably know better than anyone, your parents may be aging, but they still have opinions, preferences, and a strong sense of independence. The best way to start this conversation is by honoring and acknowledging that.

To do that, start by listening. Ask open-ended questions to guide the conversation instead of approaching them with the problems you’ve noticed or solutions you’ve come up with. Here are some examples:

How have you been feeling around the house lately?
Are there any tasks you just can’t seem to get around to doing anymore?
Is there anything that’s feeling more difficult than it used to?
If you could change one thing about your day-to-day routine, what would it be?
Is there anything that would make you more comfortable?

Questions like these help the conversation feel like a discussion. By letting them offer up the things that they have noticed or care about, you come off as respecting their wishes instead of attempting to manage their behavior.

Find the Right Timing

It’s important to time this conversation well. Don’t choose a moment just after a fall, after a fight, or in any moment of exasperation. Instead, choose a moment that is low stress and calm.

In a private setting, where neither of you feels rushed – perhaps over a meal or during a walk together – you can create the space for a more natural and less pressured conversation. However, you know your parents better than anyone. The main thing you want to avoid is making them feel cornered or trapped into the conversation, so choose the timing accordingly.

Be Gently Honest

If this conversation was sparked by changes you’ve noticed in their behavior, memory, or mobility, it’s OK to say so. But it’s important to share these office reservations with care.

You can try to phrase it like, “I’ve noticed that it seems like getting up the stairs is a little tougher than it used to be. Have you been noticing that too?”

This more gentle approach shows that you care and that you’ve noticed, but allows them the opportunity to approach the conversation productively – with either an agreement or a refined understanding of what they’re going through – instead of putting them on the defensive.

Come with Options

Whenever possible, avoid telling them what to do. Instead, it’s helpful to approach the conversation with a few options in mind without framing one as the only or far superior option. For example, if mobility is your primary concern, you can offer options like:

Part-time in-home care
A medical alert system
Transportation services for appointments and errands
Delivery services
Downsizing
Part-time help with cleaning, cooking, or another task-based service
An independent or assisted living community

It’s OK to start small. Giving them a taste of what life feels like with a little help might make it easier for them to accept other solutions in the future.

Prepare to Give Them Space

As tough as this conversation is for you, it’s important to remember it’s probably tougher for them. Hearing that their child is concerned can bring up intense emotions, like fear, sadness, anger, guilt, frustration, or even resistance. That does not mean that the conversation failed.

Instead, give your parent or loved one the space to process what you’ve said. No resolution needs to be made during this initial conversation. Let them know that this is just the start of a conversation that you can revisit later. Let them know they have time to think.

Closing Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Have All of the Answers

As we’ve alluded to, the most important thing is showing up to this conversation with care, curiosity, and respect without judgment. This conversation should feel like an act of love and compassion. If you’re not sure what the next steps should or might look like, consider some of these additional resources for further research:

The National Institute on Aging: Talking with Older Parents
AARP Caregiving Guides
Eldercare Locator to help you find local services in Orange County
The California Caregiver Resource Center of Orange County

If you’re stepping up to care for a loved one, we invite you to check out our free resources. To get more information about what we have available to you as an Orange County, California caregiver, contact us at the California Caregiver Resource Center of Orange County.